Being honest takes courage

But the more you do it, the easier it gets

When I was in my twenties I worked for a public relations firm. I was young and hardworking, but also inexperienced. I found the process of learning to write press releases incredibly frustrating and, at times demoralizing, as drafts came back with so many red strikethroughs, I could barely read my original.

I sensed often that the owners of the business were not happy with me, but it wasn’t until a vice president opened up to me, after a few drinks at her goodbye party, that I learned the truth. They had been planning to fire me and she had talked them out of it.

While I was not surprised, I did wonder why they hadn’t just been honest with me. If they had offered some constructive feedback as to how I could improve, I could have felt motivated, even inspired to do better. Instead, I walked around on eggshells for months and felt only shame.

Fast forward 25 years and I often still find myself dancing around the elephant in the room.

Why is it that, when it comes to difficult conversations, we have so much trouble being honest? We tell ourselves we are trying to spare people the pain of humiliation or hurt feelings (and this may have merit in certain situations).

But when we omit details or spin the truth in the name of protecting others, isn’t it more often about our desire to protect ourselves? Aren’t we just avoiding conversations that make us uncomfortable or require us to be vulnerable?

Being candid requires courage. It means sharing the reality of the situation in front of us – warts and all. Just look at the now famous video delivered by Marriott’s former CEO, Arne Sorenson, to his staff at the beginning of the COVID crisis. He did not shy away from the harsh reality of pay cuts and substantial job losses around the world. He did it with transparency and raw emotion. He prepared his people for what was coming and, in doing that, made them feel that they were all in it together.

Hearing the truth, even when it’s difficult, is more calming than we realize. In fact, I would argue it is the antidote to our anxiety.

Being honest is also a sign of respect. It tells people that you value them enough to deliver hard messages. It allows them to learn and grow. 

When my son played rep hockey in his teens, he was often upset that he wasn’t getting more ice time as he considered himself to be a top player on his team. And while we agreed that he was a skilled defenseman, we felt he did not push himself like the other players. We suggested he bring his complaints to his coach who, thankfully, did tell him the truth — that if wanted to stay on the team he needed to work harder and hustle more. The next year, he really was one of the best players on the team.

Being true to ourselves is another good reason to practice honesty. How many times have you walked away from a conversation wishing that you had said what you were thinking? It’s a terrible feeling and it eats away at us like cancer. When we tell our truth to others, we are accepting ourselves for who we are and acting on our personal beliefs and values.

When I set out to run my consulting business, I was leaving a corporate job where I felt stifled. One of my guiding principles was to be upfront and honest with my clients. This meant telling them what I believed they needed to hear, not what I thought they wanted to hear.

On one of my very first projects, I received a call from a client who was very angry that his program had not been given more marketing support. The truth was that the CEO (his boss) and I had agreed that the programs with the most potential to attract revenue would get the most resources. His program was not one of these. He was yelling so loudly, the person I shared an office with could hear him through my phone. But I stuck to my guns and candidly explained the rationale behind the decision. Eventually, he backed down.

When you are honest with others, you become more fearless, freer — just like jumping off a high diving board. It can be terrifying when you are staring down at the distance between you and the water, but as soon as you make the jump and come up for air, you can’t wait to do it again.